I have spoken publicly about my struggle with infertility over the last decade, but I have never written a full account of my experience. When I do share my experience, I am struck by the sheer number of people who comment that my story resonates with them. I hear that by listening to what someone else went through makes them feel less alone. Even though 1 in 8 experience infertility, it’s still not widely discussed.

Here is my story.

I never expected to have trouble getting pregnant. My husband and I were in our early 30’s when we started trying. We tried for a year with no success. I sensed that something was wrong. And yet, I hoped that by visiting an OBGYN and urologist, we’d quickly be on our way to growing our family. That wasn’t the case.

When we met with a reproductive endocrinologist (also known as a fertility doctor), they put our test results into a computer algorithm. The algorithm calculated we had a 92% chance of getting pregnant following one round of IVF (in vitro fertilization).  Great, I remember thinking, we’ll get this over with quickly. Unfortunately, the algorithm got it wrong.

We went through five rounds of IVF over the course of nine months. It was brutal. After several failed IVF cycles, my doctor changed our protocol which did produce several embryos. But it also resulted in a rare and serious complication requiring further medical intervention.

Each IVF round entails about 10 to 14 days of “stimulation”, where you inject hormones into your body to stimulate ovarian follicle growth. The goal is to produce as many follicles as possible, which can then mature into eggs. Once the follicles reach maturity, a different injection triggers their growth into eggs, which then are then collected during a procedure known as an egg retrieval. The eggs are then tested for their maturity and quality. They are fertilized with sperm and then over the course of the next week, they grow to become embryos. At that point, embryos can be sent for genetic testing, frozen for future use, or transferred into a woman’s uterus.

IVF is a timing and a numbers game. The more follicles the better, as the more eggs that can be retrieved. But the timing has to be just right so that the eggs are retrieved at the exact right time. At that point, the numbers start to decrease. Ten eggs may mean that only six were mature. Those six eggs are fertilized but only three may grow to become embryos. Of those three, only one may be genetically normal. While things can look positive one day, the situation can be completely different the next.

A dear friend of mine who also went through IVF shared that while IVF is incredibly physically painful, the real pain is the emotional rollercoaster. She was right. I don’t want to understate the physical pain. The dozens of blood draws I endured caused collapsed and scarred veins. The daily hormone injections caused severe bloating, headaches, and generally left me feeling unwell for months at a time. The complication I endured was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

But the worst pain of all was the emotional trauma. There can be so much false hope in IVF when things look good one day and then the next day delivers bad news. I remember several egg retrieval cycles when my doctor expected positive results but the actual results were disappointing. Each cycle I would expect that things would be better. When they weren’t, I plunged into a deeper level of despair. I cried almost every day for nine months.

My husband and I did have some insurance coverage for IVF which was better than most people had at the time. I was grateful for that, but we reached the lifetime maximum quickly and ultimately spent $75,000 out of pocket on medication and treatment.

In addition to the emotional pain, I felt like I had to keep my experience bottled up. I only told friends who themselves went through IVF. I didn’t want people to think there was something wrong with me, nor did I want to have to consistently explain what was happening to me. It was hard. I could never commit to plans as I needed to have medical appointments on certain days at certain times. My schedule was constantly shifting.

I am proud to be Jewish and yet, the structure of the Jewish community can make it difficult if you are trying to conceive or don’t have children. Many aspects of Jewish life are grounded in family rituals, including the weekly Sabbath. One of the most famous lines in the Passover seder is that “you shall tell your children” about the Israelites’ exit from Egypt”. There is an unspoken expectation that you have children. It feels lonely and isolating when you don’t meet that expectation. Although things are changing, infertility in the Jewish community remains an issue that is not talked about frequently enough. I hope my story can change that.

As we started to talk about it, I was heartened by the support we received from some and shocked by the insensitivity we experienced from others. To this day, I remember the kindness we were shown but also the pain we endured. I don’t know if those scars will ever go away.

On February 27, 2017, an embryo from our final IVF cycle was transferred. That embryo became my son, who was born in November 2017. Exactly three years after trying to get pregnant, I became a mother.

In March 2017 during my first ultrasound, I saw a shape on the screen. I remember thinking to myself that my son looked like a “little bean”. When I launched my firm in January 2019, I was thinking about a name that had the word “tree” or “seed” in it, to underscore the way in which a fundraising relationship starts out small and then is nurtured and grows. Little Bean Group seemed to fit the bill well.

My son is now 8 years old. Not a day goes by that I don’t think what I went through to bring him into this world. Even after all these years, I still feel a great sadness. That experience will always be a part of me.

For those experiencing infertility, know that you are not alone. It is so common, even if it’s not discussed nearly as often as it occurs. I’m sending you my love and support.

Visit Resolve, the National Infertility Awareness Associations’s website for more information about infertility and resources for those experiencing infertility.